no more ideas

 Hello.

Where to begin?

I haven't written like this to myself in so long. I guess I just let the tide of life take me by.  I still haven't got the energy (or just pure mania) to write like I used to. 

My ideas would just come to me like a wad of spitballs inside of a school classroom...or let's not give that such a vile image. how about---they came to me like crackles in a flame. i'd just have so many ideas and I'd never really get bored. And at night was the time I had most of these ideas. Where I had time to myself to quiet everything else around me except for 

my mind. 

my arms feel weak typing this up, but i will try to fight through it. 

OF F[insert expletive here] COURSE.

i hate college.

it's taken me a long time to come to this conclusion. it's actually really fucking hard to admit.

of course, it's currently finals week, and i'm isolated inside of my boss's office at my job, trying to salvage whatever remnants of my GPA that i can from this burning ball of crap of a semester i experienced. so, of course i'll be writing this in a bitter, dazed, caffeinated frenzy, which, given my trajectory of mood swings in recent years, might just be a temporary feeling at the moment.

i am now a senior in university. 

this is something that -- i won't even lie to you, had envisioned. i had always envisioned myself going to college, it was one of the many escapist fantasies i had growing up. and honestly, ironically but not really, i am proud of myself for doing it in real life. truly. honestly.

but right now, in this stupid moment, i hate this place.

i always kinda had a weird feeling about the university i was going to, even before i applied to this place. it was never in my dream or plan to go here. i had actually always seen this place as elitist and cutthroat. little 16 year old me had always had nausea when thinking about the university i got into, particularly because i lived almost ten minutes away from it by driving. it's considered one of the more prestigious universities in the world. and when applying for college, i just wanted to go to school, not crap on everyone around me.

i never really was that great of a student anyway.

i think was really saved my butt all these years in hgiher education is my love of curiousity. i have always, always been a question-asker, much to the point of annoying the crap out of some folks. my fifth grade biography created by my teacher even said that i was "inquisitive" and always curious. i loved that part about school, learning that there were always possibilities to things and life and that trying them out on your own was always your opportunity.

but,
the environment that i am in. the school that i go to--imagine...going to school with all the straight A kids, and you barely made to being a B+ kid all throughout high school. i sound very privileged and spoiled, and that's kind of the point.

i hate this school because it is a hyper-focused view of life. it moves too quickly, there is always too much work, you never really quite get everything finished or complete in the way you want to. everyone's stressed because they don't have time to think things out quickly enough. Everyone, meaning: students, professors, staff, faculty. everyone who has a position on this campus, no matter the role, is stressed.

here, time is a game that is too easy to lose.

you get so much passive aggressive behavior. and that can come in any form whether it be your financial aid advisor snarkily calling you out for not turning in things on time or someone pushing past you on the street while they are on their way to class, as if you both aren't going to the same place.

time is currency.

i've heard this being said by a lot of people days. at this university, there's nothing that could be futher from the truth when hearing that. you literally need to allocate your time to what may best benefit you to succeed--that is, getting a GPA high enough so that you don't get kicked out of university and high enough so that if you ever decide to do things in the future with it, like, go to Graduate school, you'd be in a good boat. but it doesn't help that your school is notoriously known for a process called Grade Deflation. 

that is,
graders purposefully mark down grades in classes and make it next to impossible for students to get As, no matter how much effort and energy a student may put into their work. if it isn't precise, if it isn't exactly what they are looking for, then they use that as reason to mark you down. and it's weird because the classes where you'd expect to get As, you end up getting B+ or B-, and the classes you'd expect to get B+ or B-, you end up getting As in. It's happened to me a few times, which is infuriating.

and i never was one to complain about my grades. i just wanted to pass enough to have some sort of safety net for when i graduated. that was always my goal in school. i was pretty much always a B student despite...lowkey being teachers' pets in all my classes.

okay, so i wouldn't call it that, but more like, in subjects that i was very curious about, which would usually be all my classes except for math and gym, i'd raise my hand and always have thought-provoking things to say--according to my teachers. i mean seriously, i met my fourth grade teacher just last year again and she had tears in her eyes when she saw me. she was like, "i always knew you were going to be great, you were one of my best students." and so did my fifth grade teacher (she went to the bar with us). and so did my 7th grade teacher. and so did my 11th grade teacher. and so did my freshmen year professors and GSIs. and sophomore year and junior year. and so did my research program. you get my point.

but never A+.

but whatever, i could care less about those grade situations right now. what i am most concerned about right now is the fucking money that i am going to have to pay to this placeAGAIN for reasons outside of my control. there is always, always something.  if it isn't grade related, then it is money related or family related or health related or relationship related. one of those five things is always out of wack, no matter how how h o w hard you try keeping them all togther.


i was having an okay/non-manic run for a bit, these past two to three weeks. but then i make the mistake of checking my financial aid account tonight while "studying" for my finals which i know i will fail (i burnt out like two years ago, you guys. i just don't have the energy anymore). and looky-looky, turns out i owe this place $3000 !

and of COURSE i don't learn about this until today. and of COURSE that wasn't brought up until this week, the last week of classes where it would be unlikely that i'd have time to make up that money. and OF COURSE it might be related to me dropping my semester of school last summer when i went abroad, had all those health problems, and failed my classes. and OF COURSE no one told me that i would need to pay the money from a semester that i did LAST YEAR back after dropping it for reasons out of my control. they in fact, encouraged me to drop it! I was encouraged this whole time to just wipe the thing from my record, but now my account is saying that i owe $1000 back for health insurance (not sure why) and some other random charges.

and OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE i didn't get that email from my financial aid advisor about turning in my appeals form for my scholarship until now, and she told me that i would need to turn a piece of paper to her by a certain time two weeks ago so that i could extend my scholarship, but of course i didn't see that shit and now i'm going to have to figure out a way to pay for my school next year while i'm a super senior.

by the way, did i mention that my mom called me two hours ago and told me that my grandfather almost died (again)?

Of Course.

Hello wonderful readers!

How's everybody doing tonight? *cricket noises ensue*

Great, well guess what time of year it is again...

That's right, you guessed it--it's Winter Break! This is probably my last one of my undergraduate career *yikes*. So I am giving you my bi-annual update on how things have been going so far in terms of my life.

I would say the highlight of this year is that I went to France. This was my first time out of the country that I currently reside in. It's an interesting experience travelling outside of my hometown, for any reason--especially given the fact that my college is in the same city or region as my hometown. Things can get a bit dull sometimes.

Things get dull in that most of my friends live south of where I am, and every, single, break I am left alone in the grayness of my cold city, while I see everyone down there partying it up with margaritas and such. My depression has such a great time with it.

I am currently in the basement of my school's museum (I know, they got some sort of money, I guess) typing in a lonely corridor on top of a marker-and-paint-ridden canvas, with boxes of colored pencils and scissors around me. It was art night here--apparently it happens every night--and usually a bunch of parents show up with their little ones. This would explain the tattered canvases.

I watched that movie "Bird Box" last night that everyone on the internet is so hyped about. It was a good movie, however, I would warn all of those who haven't seen it yet or who are intending to see it that they take a good look inside themselves before they do.

The movie deals with suicide and death, and I know these topics can be a trigger for many people, including myself. I watched it, while my sibling was in the apartment with me--they didn't want to watch it, which is fair. I believe that the concept is very god, and of course, like all horror movies, there were a couple of loose ends that I wished had been tied up a little further.

But I am not going to talk about that movie, anymore on here. I think it's pretty triggering, so I am just giving all those whom I mentioned before the trigger warning that it deals with those topics, so watch at your own discretion.

We're OLD

Hello, hello, hello!

I am now old.

Yup. A senior. This is unbelievable. There are so many other things I could have been doing besides being a senior. Ha, just kidding.

College is a lot, dude. I am not going to lie. I go to a really tough university, so that is a big contributor to a lot of my stress. I've learned a lot of things about myself just within these past two years, and of course there is so much more for me to learn.

I learned that I am pretty stubborn. And it makes so much sense because I am a Taurus.

I went to a DIFFERENT country! I went to France, y'all. Me, little ole me who grew up poor and went through all that crap actually went to another freaking country by myself.

I'll finish this post later because it's late and my cat want to help me type this lol/\.

I Haven't Been Honest...

I haven't been quite honest about my intentions...

I know that I when I started this blog,  I started it with the intention being light and playing around with my humorous side.

I don't mean for this to sound masochistic, rather, I want to present to you, my fellow readers, my reality. The reality in being a Blogger, an aspiring writer, a Millenial on the internet today...

A human being.

It's important to portray the reality of things, especially given our society today. Social media is something that hits me the hardest. I know that a majority of it is performance and does not show the full story of people's journeys, yet still, my subconscious can do nothing but see absorb what I see as the reality for people today. It does not understand that time does not exist on the internet, and that people can be very immature, or very much mature. Just, basically, there are a lot of unseen nuances that get lost in translation on the internet.

I am presenting myself to you, today, as real as I can possibly do:

I have depression, and today, I feel depressed. I want to be as honest as I can be.

I always wonder if even those with the most privilege in the worlds can experience these feelings, and what their depression looks like.


To be honest, my fall semester of my Sophomore year was my hardest because I experienced so much loss. I lost my great aunt whom, until her passing, I hadn't realized had a very influential role in my life. My family lost our home, and our landlord threw away all of our belongings without us knowing, rendering us completely homeless.

I had not experienced the homelessness myself since I had the cushion of scholarships paying for my housing during the time. I did, however, feel extremely guilty and simultaneously helpless. I felt like I couldn't give my family much more than what I had because I had nothing myself and had to got to school and work at the same time. And several other personal things I can't mention now happened to me and my family.

Not to mention the joke of an election happened in that same year. 2016 was just a trash year.

I just felt like complete shit. I felt like I was being a horrible person to everyone--my family and friends. And I didn't know how to be well.

The same thing, to a lesser caliber, is happening to me now. Now that I am experiencing the first summer to myself, since moving from my house, I am realizing that I never really learned how to enjoy myself. How to be social. I would always put myself into working situations.

I never learned along the way how to call up my friends and ask them to hang out (this stopped in high school). I never used to go out to parties or to places with people. I usually just did my own thing. I never got into dating. Everything that a lot of people did in high school, I am barely learning.

It's like--I am approaching my third year in college and I still haven't gone on a date. Lots of dysphoric thoughts are clouding my ability to render myself capable and beautiful, even in the face of adversity. In a lot of cases, though, I am too shy to take the first leap, mostly because I have never experienced it before, thus I don't know what it looks/feels like and cannot determine whether the outcome will be a good use of my time or not.

Dating isn't the only thing that bothers me, though.

Even asking friends to hang out is a stressful situation for me, even though I very much want to do so. The social anxiety and once again, the dysphoric thoughts, tell me that I am incapable of being good company or whatever, so I back off.

But this is hurting me. I want to have more fun. I want to experience more life. I no longer want o isolate myself, because I know that I am not growing by doing so,

and summer is over soon.

Junior Summers ~ I have to Poop

I am kind of back again!

And it is the summer before my Junior year of *gasp* college!

Can you believe that this has even come to fruition? Each day is honestly like a dream!

It's true. I do feel more radiant and beautiful, and wonderful in the skin I possess. And the way that I wear my pride is becoming noticeable to my peers. It makes me feel wonderous in ways unimaginable.

I am thinking much more about how I wish to present myself to the world, without degrading myself. Without feeling like my exterior is trash, and immovable.

I would love to finally embrace the clouds as I am flying on the hiatus.


I am also trying too hard to sound like a poet. And I have to poop.

*goes to poop while thinking of how to turn this into a meaningful metaphor* 

Too Much to Think About

Hello,

I am back from a two-year dormancy.

I feel like there is no need to apologize each time I come back.

The reasons I leave for so long are obvious:

I am living life.

Whether well or not, I think it is safe to say that so long as I come back to paraphrase at least some of life's happenings, then all should be good.

Right?

Ah, but who knows.

Or cares. 

I am happy to be back.

Right now, I am in the middle of my sophomore year, and the beginning of my second semester. Classes have been in session for two days, and so has the thunderous, pouring rain of winter.

Also, in two days, Trump's inauguration is happening. It sounds surreal, but alas, it is true.

I feel like, in 2016, or sometime shortly before that, the earth's/universe's life energy tilted on its axis for worse. It seemed like almost every possible (unpredictable bad thing) that happened in 2016 happened, and we were left no break at all. A ton of great activists and people passed for no reason, it seemed.

Perhaps the Mayans, Nostradamus, and all those other predictors of world decimation were right:

In terms of growth, 
I would say that I've grown nominally. That is, bits and pieces, rather than myself as a whole grew more than any other part of me. My social anxiety became a bit more manageable because of

1. Medication
2. Acceptance

I have begun the long, well-worth-it journey to self-advocacy and self-acceptance.

Some ways I have noticed this growth are:

I can stare at my own face in the mirror without feeling the rumble of grotesque disgust in my belly.
I actually have a reservoir of compliments for myself--created by me.
I am starting to show people my talents--in other words, the true me.

It's grand.

There is a video that's been circulating the internet that involves a pep talk by Will Smith. In it, he is making a motivational speech about letting go of fear and inhibitions when it comes to what one truly loves.

He says,

"God places the BEST THINGS in life                                                       on the other side of fear"


I was struck when I heard this.
This line, I have decided, is to be my mantra of the year. It's so true. The best things come to those who pursue their passions.

You know how some people perform on street corners and things like that, or those who have been perfecting a craft for many, many years? It just makes sense. People like to pay seeing those who do things in their element. Moreover, people come up with the best material when it's a craft they enjoy.

Though I say all this, I am (of course) having a major conflict at the moment.

Ha.

I just made a pun.

That is: I am STILL having trouble choosing a major. This is not good because I am at a public school.

The majors I am in-between right now are: Sociology and African American Studies.

I truly love African American studies, but I abhor the stares and upturned noses I get when I say that Af. Am. may be my potential major. I've even shit-talked the major.

It may seem clear to you, which to choose, but to me, it isn't!

I also would not be so confused if I hadn't had two other minors in mind, which are:

Creative Writing and Music.

See. See that?

The combination of them all sounds amazing---

BUT

STRESSFUL AND UNDOABLE AF.

However, combining such like: Af. Am with a minor in Creative Writing and Music, or
Af. Am and Sociology, with a minor in Creative Writing or Sociology with an Af. Am Minor or Sociology with a double minor in Af. Am. and Music or Sociology with a double minor in Af. Am. and Creative writing or---

(my current plan)

Sociology with a TRIPLE minor in MUSIC, AF. AM., and CREATIVE WRITING. 

It's all too much.