I haven't been quite honest about my intentions...
I know that I when I started this blog, I started it with the intention being light and playing around with my humorous side.
I don't mean for this to sound masochistic, rather, I want to present to you, my fellow readers, my reality. The reality in being a Blogger, an aspiring writer, a Millenial on the internet today...
A human being.
It's important to portray the reality of things, especially given our society today. Social media is something that hits me the hardest. I know that a majority of it is performance and does not show the full story of people's journeys, yet still, my subconscious can do nothing but see absorb what I see as the reality for people today. It does not understand that time does not exist on the internet, and that people can be very immature, or very much mature. Just, basically, there are a lot of unseen nuances that get lost in translation on the internet.
I am presenting myself to you, today, as real as I can possibly do:
I have depression, and today, I feel depressed. I want to be as honest as I can be.
I always wonder if even those with the most privilege in the worlds can experience these feelings, and what their depression looks like.
To be honest, my fall semester of my Sophomore year was my hardest because I experienced so much loss. I lost my great aunt whom, until her passing, I hadn't realized had a very influential role in my life. My family lost our home, and our landlord threw away all of our belongings without us knowing, rendering us completely homeless.
I had not experienced the homelessness myself since I had the cushion of scholarships paying for my housing during the time. I did, however, feel extremely guilty and simultaneously helpless. I felt like I couldn't give my family much more than what I had because I had nothing myself and had to got to school and work at the same time. And several other personal things I can't mention now happened to me and my family.
Not to mention the joke of an election happened in that same year. 2016 was just a trash year.
I just felt like complete shit. I felt like I was being a horrible person to everyone--my family and friends. And I didn't know how to be well.
The same thing, to a lesser caliber, is happening to me now. Now that I am experiencing the first summer to myself, since moving from my house, I am realizing that I never really learned how to enjoy myself. How to be social. I would always put myself into working situations.
I never learned along the way how to call up my friends and ask them to hang out (this stopped in high school). I never used to go out to parties or to places with people. I usually just did my own thing. I never got into dating. Everything that a lot of people did in high school, I am barely learning.
It's like--I am approaching my third year in college and I still haven't gone on a date. Lots of dysphoric thoughts are clouding my ability to render myself capable and beautiful, even in the face of adversity. In a lot of cases, though, I am too shy to take the first leap, mostly because I have never experienced it before, thus I don't know what it looks/feels like and cannot determine whether the outcome will be a good use of my time or not.
Dating isn't the only thing that bothers me, though.
Even asking friends to hang out is a stressful situation for me, even though I very much want to do so. The social anxiety and once again, the dysphoric thoughts, tell me that I am incapable of being good company or whatever, so I back off.
But this is hurting me. I want to have more fun. I want to experience more life. I no longer want o isolate myself, because I know that I am not growing by doing so,
and summer is over soon.
I know that I when I started this blog, I started it with the intention being light and playing around with my humorous side.
I don't mean for this to sound masochistic, rather, I want to present to you, my fellow readers, my reality. The reality in being a Blogger, an aspiring writer, a Millenial on the internet today...
A human being.
It's important to portray the reality of things, especially given our society today. Social media is something that hits me the hardest. I know that a majority of it is performance and does not show the full story of people's journeys, yet still, my subconscious can do nothing but see absorb what I see as the reality for people today. It does not understand that time does not exist on the internet, and that people can be very immature, or very much mature. Just, basically, there are a lot of unseen nuances that get lost in translation on the internet.
I am presenting myself to you, today, as real as I can possibly do:
I have depression, and today, I feel depressed. I want to be as honest as I can be.
I always wonder if even those with the most privilege in the worlds can experience these feelings, and what their depression looks like.
To be honest, my fall semester of my Sophomore year was my hardest because I experienced so much loss. I lost my great aunt whom, until her passing, I hadn't realized had a very influential role in my life. My family lost our home, and our landlord threw away all of our belongings without us knowing, rendering us completely homeless.
I had not experienced the homelessness myself since I had the cushion of scholarships paying for my housing during the time. I did, however, feel extremely guilty and simultaneously helpless. I felt like I couldn't give my family much more than what I had because I had nothing myself and had to got to school and work at the same time. And several other personal things I can't mention now happened to me and my family.
Not to mention the joke of an election happened in that same year. 2016 was just a trash year.
I just felt like complete shit. I felt like I was being a horrible person to everyone--my family and friends. And I didn't know how to be well.
The same thing, to a lesser caliber, is happening to me now. Now that I am experiencing the first summer to myself, since moving from my house, I am realizing that I never really learned how to enjoy myself. How to be social. I would always put myself into working situations.
I never learned along the way how to call up my friends and ask them to hang out (this stopped in high school). I never used to go out to parties or to places with people. I usually just did my own thing. I never got into dating. Everything that a lot of people did in high school, I am barely learning.
It's like--I am approaching my third year in college and I still haven't gone on a date. Lots of dysphoric thoughts are clouding my ability to render myself capable and beautiful, even in the face of adversity. In a lot of cases, though, I am too shy to take the first leap, mostly because I have never experienced it before, thus I don't know what it looks/feels like and cannot determine whether the outcome will be a good use of my time or not.
Dating isn't the only thing that bothers me, though.
Even asking friends to hang out is a stressful situation for me, even though I very much want to do so. The social anxiety and once again, the dysphoric thoughts, tell me that I am incapable of being good company or whatever, so I back off.
But this is hurting me. I want to have more fun. I want to experience more life. I no longer want o isolate myself, because I know that I am not growing by doing so,
and summer is over soon.
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