Wow.
It's been a while since I have dusted off the old thinking gears and written something for myself in a while. This gesture has not been done out of the intention to offend, it's just that I've recently, barely, completed my first *official* semester of college.
Today I went back to my roots; I went to the library with my sibling. Though my card still has fines on it (I have a reckless past with libraries, I'm sorry, I can't help it), my sibling volunteered to get me some graphic novels. I grabbed quite a few.
I find it hilarious that I can pick out graphic novels faster than I can find food at the grocery store. I felt strange going back into the library. Nostalgia hit me hard, especially seeing all the books arranged the same way they had been since I left. I felt a ping in my stomach when I saw the flyers for volunteering opportunities and college scholarships. Just a year ago, I had been looking at that wall with stout determination and fear for my future. I also realized that pretty soon I won't be able to some of the things my teenaged self has been doing-- like being in the teen section of the library, or reaping the cool, free benefits of being too underaged to do anything. Sigh. Growing up is hard.
I felt so fulfilled at the library though. It really helped me gain back the confidence I needed. I was also feeling spiritually depleted; I notice that happens when I am not doing one of my famous artistic activities. This semester, I quenched my thirst by going down to the practice rooms in my unit, and plunking out jazz chords. Gosh, I've learned so much and it has helped so much. :)
Within the current stack of books I have next to me are the Saga series. I wasn't able to get the first volume because one of the librarians there is currently checking it out, but I do have Volume Two.
So far I think it is pretty entertaining. It doesn't go according to my graphic novel taste because it is a comic series, so it's got all the classic gags and storylines within storylines, but it's going more smoothly than I expected it to.
Something really nice happened when my sibling and I left the library. We bonded more than we usually do. I guess that my being absent has caused my family to miss me more than I thought it did.
We walked from the library back home, which is about a mile. It was around eight p.m., and the December air was stinging, and refreshing. We walked slowly, carrying groceries on our backs and library books in our hands. We're currently in that strange period between Christmas and New Years, so people's Christmas lights are still up.
I think it's cute. People's homes being wrapped up in sparkly fluorescent lights reminds me on decorations on cakes. I thought that the homes we walked by were so cute that I snapchatted some of them. But of course my phone camera is crappy quality, so the pictures just looked like sparkly dots in the middle of a jet black canvas, similar to stars and the universe.
My sibling laughed a lot at my so-not-funny jokes, and talked about their boyfriend. I, surprisingly, was not jealous hearing them fret over the cute memories they recalled as we walked by landmarks where they had walked before. I was really happy for them. I know that for so long my sibling has felt unloved by generally everyone they interact with, and for so long they have fended for themselves that they have developed a tough exterior (that only I can see through). It's nice to see them so happy and so vulnerable at the same time.
Right now it is almost four in the morning, and I am ironically listening to Janet Jackson's No Sleeep. It's cold, but comfy, snuggling weather.
I wish I was back at the dorm. There, I live with all black people, and let me tell you how much of a self-esteem booster it is to be there.
This semester was not my best academically, and I am afraid that I will not be able to pick up the pace. College is tough; and there were things that I could have controlled to prevent myself from being in the academically and financially dismal position that I am in right now. I hope that I can pull it together this semester because really like being in the school.
I think I also want to stop thinking so much about other people.
This semester I did too much of that, but in a different way than I did in high school. Back then, I thought so much about my family, but this time I think so much about friends, and mushy gushy things that I get distracted from thinking about my studies. Sure, I am young, and it's "normal" for me to screw up some things, and think this way, but I want to remain diligent. I am a strong believer in the mantra "if you don't use it, you lose it". So I will get back to that.
This year, 2015, in general was strange:
I graduated from high school (barely).
I got my braces off.
I got into a really good college (which is still hard to believe).
I came out to my friends in college. (I cried a lot for this one, and it felt great.)
I accepted my sexuality for what itwas is.
I questioned my previous values, and chucked the old ones that weren't working.
Igot have too many crushes on people.
I accepted my feelings as valid and human.
I managed my stress somewhat well this first semester.
I stopped cringing at the thought of meeting new people.
I performed in front of random people.
I accepted my shyness and awkwardness, and developed ways to work around it.
I made lots of new friends! According to facebook, it's exactly 237, but who's counting? :)
I started getting used to my face, so much to the extent that I have almost 4000 pictures of it in my laptop.
I had full conversations with people I wouldn't have caught myself dead speaking to in high school.
I opened a bank account.
I got a laptop!
I think I am falling in love with myself.
All of this stuff I have done on my own. So many milestones. A tremendous feat. Coming from my background, many do not expect it to happen. Of all the these things, I can say that I am proud of myself. I didn't mention that I also gained ten pounds (Freshman Fifteen is real, y'all), but I think I falling so much in love with myself that I could care if I weighed 900 pounds. I really mean this.
I am starting to accept some of the parts that are me--good, bad, and ugly--and live with them. My arms, legs, moles, acne, eyes, boogers, are all I've got. And hating every part of myself isn't going to make things better, so I am learning to accept them.
Like my roommate said, the journey self-love isn't easy, and there are those days when I don't feel it at all, but I am noticing that more of my days are filled with appreciation of myself rather than hatred, and, well, things brighten up that way. The change is that I adopt positive thinking, and do the things that make me most happy, like writing, and singing, and drawing, and listening to music. Accepting and giving compliments. Doing good deeds. Validating my feelings. Daring myself to do something. Being loud. Laughing. Living. And loving life. That's what I have been doing. And I think it is working. :)
I'm sorry that I have not written you in so long, but I think this post should pretty much explain how it has been these past few months. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I feel good and not feel weird about it. I'm gonna live on this high for as long as it lasts. :)
Song recommendation: Green & Gold by Lianne La Havas
Adieu,
E.
It's been a while since I have dusted off the old thinking gears and written something for myself in a while. This gesture has not been done out of the intention to offend, it's just that I've recently, barely, completed my first *official* semester of college.
Today I went back to my roots; I went to the library with my sibling. Though my card still has fines on it (I have a reckless past with libraries, I'm sorry, I can't help it), my sibling volunteered to get me some graphic novels. I grabbed quite a few.
I find it hilarious that I can pick out graphic novels faster than I can find food at the grocery store. I felt strange going back into the library. Nostalgia hit me hard, especially seeing all the books arranged the same way they had been since I left. I felt a ping in my stomach when I saw the flyers for volunteering opportunities and college scholarships. Just a year ago, I had been looking at that wall with stout determination and fear for my future. I also realized that pretty soon I won't be able to some of the things my teenaged self has been doing-- like being in the teen section of the library, or reaping the cool, free benefits of being too underaged to do anything. Sigh. Growing up is hard.
I felt so fulfilled at the library though. It really helped me gain back the confidence I needed. I was also feeling spiritually depleted; I notice that happens when I am not doing one of my famous artistic activities. This semester, I quenched my thirst by going down to the practice rooms in my unit, and plunking out jazz chords. Gosh, I've learned so much and it has helped so much. :)
Within the current stack of books I have next to me are the Saga series. I wasn't able to get the first volume because one of the librarians there is currently checking it out, but I do have Volume Two.
So far I think it is pretty entertaining. It doesn't go according to my graphic novel taste because it is a comic series, so it's got all the classic gags and storylines within storylines, but it's going more smoothly than I expected it to.
Something really nice happened when my sibling and I left the library. We bonded more than we usually do. I guess that my being absent has caused my family to miss me more than I thought it did.
We walked from the library back home, which is about a mile. It was around eight p.m., and the December air was stinging, and refreshing. We walked slowly, carrying groceries on our backs and library books in our hands. We're currently in that strange period between Christmas and New Years, so people's Christmas lights are still up.
I think it's cute. People's homes being wrapped up in sparkly fluorescent lights reminds me on decorations on cakes. I thought that the homes we walked by were so cute that I snapchatted some of them. But of course my phone camera is crappy quality, so the pictures just looked like sparkly dots in the middle of a jet black canvas, similar to stars and the universe.
My sibling laughed a lot at my so-not-funny jokes, and talked about their boyfriend. I, surprisingly, was not jealous hearing them fret over the cute memories they recalled as we walked by landmarks where they had walked before. I was really happy for them. I know that for so long my sibling has felt unloved by generally everyone they interact with, and for so long they have fended for themselves that they have developed a tough exterior (that only I can see through). It's nice to see them so happy and so vulnerable at the same time.
Right now it is almost four in the morning, and I am ironically listening to Janet Jackson's No Sleeep. It's cold, but comfy, snuggling weather.
I wish I was back at the dorm. There, I live with all black people, and let me tell you how much of a self-esteem booster it is to be there.
This semester was not my best academically, and I am afraid that I will not be able to pick up the pace. College is tough; and there were things that I could have controlled to prevent myself from being in the academically and financially dismal position that I am in right now. I hope that I can pull it together this semester because really like being in the school.
I think I also want to stop thinking so much about other people.
This semester I did too much of that, but in a different way than I did in high school. Back then, I thought so much about my family, but this time I think so much about friends, and mushy gushy things that I get distracted from thinking about my studies. Sure, I am young, and it's "normal" for me to screw up some things, and think this way, but I want to remain diligent. I am a strong believer in the mantra "if you don't use it, you lose it". So I will get back to that.
This year, 2015, in general was strange:
I graduated from high school (barely).
I got my braces off.
I got into a really good college (which is still hard to believe).
I came out to my friends in college. (I cried a lot for this one, and it felt great.)
I accepted my sexuality for what it
I questioned my previous values, and chucked the old ones that weren't working.
I
I accepted my feelings as valid and human.
I managed my stress somewhat well this first semester.
I stopped cringing at the thought of meeting new people.
I performed in front of random people.
I accepted my shyness and awkwardness, and developed ways to work around it.
I made lots of new friends! According to facebook, it's exactly 237, but who's counting? :)
I started getting used to my face, so much to the extent that I have almost 4000 pictures of it in my laptop.
I had full conversations with people I wouldn't have caught myself dead speaking to in high school.
I opened a bank account.
I got a laptop!
I think I am falling in love with myself.
All of this stuff I have done on my own. So many milestones. A tremendous feat. Coming from my background, many do not expect it to happen. Of all the these things, I can say that I am proud of myself. I didn't mention that I also gained ten pounds (Freshman Fifteen is real, y'all), but I think I falling so much in love with myself that I could care if I weighed 900 pounds. I really mean this.
I am starting to accept some of the parts that are me--good, bad, and ugly--and live with them. My arms, legs, moles, acne, eyes, boogers, are all I've got. And hating every part of myself isn't going to make things better, so I am learning to accept them.
Like my roommate said, the journey self-love isn't easy, and there are those days when I don't feel it at all, but I am noticing that more of my days are filled with appreciation of myself rather than hatred, and, well, things brighten up that way. The change is that I adopt positive thinking, and do the things that make me most happy, like writing, and singing, and drawing, and listening to music. Accepting and giving compliments. Doing good deeds. Validating my feelings. Daring myself to do something. Being loud. Laughing. Living. And loving life. That's what I have been doing. And I think it is working. :)
I'm sorry that I have not written you in so long, but I think this post should pretty much explain how it has been these past few months. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I feel good and not feel weird about it. I'm gonna live on this high for as long as it lasts. :)
Song recommendation: Green & Gold by Lianne La Havas
Adieu,
E.
