OF F[insert expletive here] COURSE.

i hate college.

it's taken me a long time to come to this conclusion. it's actually really fucking hard to admit.

of course, it's currently finals week, and i'm isolated inside of my boss's office at my job, trying to salvage whatever remnants of my GPA that i can from this burning ball of crap of a semester i experienced. so, of course i'll be writing this in a bitter, dazed, caffeinated frenzy, which, given my trajectory of mood swings in recent years, might just be a temporary feeling at the moment.

i am now a senior in university. 

this is something that -- i won't even lie to you, had envisioned. i had always envisioned myself going to college, it was one of the many escapist fantasies i had growing up. and honestly, ironically but not really, i am proud of myself for doing it in real life. truly. honestly.

but right now, in this stupid moment, i hate this place.

i always kinda had a weird feeling about the university i was going to, even before i applied to this place. it was never in my dream or plan to go here. i had actually always seen this place as elitist and cutthroat. little 16 year old me had always had nausea when thinking about the university i got into, particularly because i lived almost ten minutes away from it by driving. it's considered one of the more prestigious universities in the world. and when applying for college, i just wanted to go to school, not crap on everyone around me.

i never really was that great of a student anyway.

i think was really saved my butt all these years in hgiher education is my love of curiousity. i have always, always been a question-asker, much to the point of annoying the crap out of some folks. my fifth grade biography created by my teacher even said that i was "inquisitive" and always curious. i loved that part about school, learning that there were always possibilities to things and life and that trying them out on your own was always your opportunity.

but,
the environment that i am in. the school that i go to--imagine...going to school with all the straight A kids, and you barely made to being a B+ kid all throughout high school. i sound very privileged and spoiled, and that's kind of the point.

i hate this school because it is a hyper-focused view of life. it moves too quickly, there is always too much work, you never really quite get everything finished or complete in the way you want to. everyone's stressed because they don't have time to think things out quickly enough. Everyone, meaning: students, professors, staff, faculty. everyone who has a position on this campus, no matter the role, is stressed.

here, time is a game that is too easy to lose.

you get so much passive aggressive behavior. and that can come in any form whether it be your financial aid advisor snarkily calling you out for not turning in things on time or someone pushing past you on the street while they are on their way to class, as if you both aren't going to the same place.

time is currency.

i've heard this being said by a lot of people days. at this university, there's nothing that could be futher from the truth when hearing that. you literally need to allocate your time to what may best benefit you to succeed--that is, getting a GPA high enough so that you don't get kicked out of university and high enough so that if you ever decide to do things in the future with it, like, go to Graduate school, you'd be in a good boat. but it doesn't help that your school is notoriously known for a process called Grade Deflation. 

that is,
graders purposefully mark down grades in classes and make it next to impossible for students to get As, no matter how much effort and energy a student may put into their work. if it isn't precise, if it isn't exactly what they are looking for, then they use that as reason to mark you down. and it's weird because the classes where you'd expect to get As, you end up getting B+ or B-, and the classes you'd expect to get B+ or B-, you end up getting As in. It's happened to me a few times, which is infuriating.

and i never was one to complain about my grades. i just wanted to pass enough to have some sort of safety net for when i graduated. that was always my goal in school. i was pretty much always a B student despite...lowkey being teachers' pets in all my classes.

okay, so i wouldn't call it that, but more like, in subjects that i was very curious about, which would usually be all my classes except for math and gym, i'd raise my hand and always have thought-provoking things to say--according to my teachers. i mean seriously, i met my fourth grade teacher just last year again and she had tears in her eyes when she saw me. she was like, "i always knew you were going to be great, you were one of my best students." and so did my fifth grade teacher (she went to the bar with us). and so did my 7th grade teacher. and so did my 11th grade teacher. and so did my freshmen year professors and GSIs. and sophomore year and junior year. and so did my research program. you get my point.

but never A+.

but whatever, i could care less about those grade situations right now. what i am most concerned about right now is the fucking money that i am going to have to pay to this placeAGAIN for reasons outside of my control. there is always, always something.  if it isn't grade related, then it is money related or family related or health related or relationship related. one of those five things is always out of wack, no matter how how h o w hard you try keeping them all togther.


i was having an okay/non-manic run for a bit, these past two to three weeks. but then i make the mistake of checking my financial aid account tonight while "studying" for my finals which i know i will fail (i burnt out like two years ago, you guys. i just don't have the energy anymore). and looky-looky, turns out i owe this place $3000 !

and of COURSE i don't learn about this until today. and of COURSE that wasn't brought up until this week, the last week of classes where it would be unlikely that i'd have time to make up that money. and OF COURSE it might be related to me dropping my semester of school last summer when i went abroad, had all those health problems, and failed my classes. and OF COURSE no one told me that i would need to pay the money from a semester that i did LAST YEAR back after dropping it for reasons out of my control. they in fact, encouraged me to drop it! I was encouraged this whole time to just wipe the thing from my record, but now my account is saying that i owe $1000 back for health insurance (not sure why) and some other random charges.

and OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE i didn't get that email from my financial aid advisor about turning in my appeals form for my scholarship until now, and she told me that i would need to turn a piece of paper to her by a certain time two weeks ago so that i could extend my scholarship, but of course i didn't see that shit and now i'm going to have to figure out a way to pay for my school next year while i'm a super senior.

by the way, did i mention that my mom called me two hours ago and told me that my grandfather almost died (again)?

Of Course.

Hello wonderful readers!

How's everybody doing tonight? *cricket noises ensue*

Great, well guess what time of year it is again...

That's right, you guessed it--it's Winter Break! This is probably my last one of my undergraduate career *yikes*. So I am giving you my bi-annual update on how things have been going so far in terms of my life.

I would say the highlight of this year is that I went to France. This was my first time out of the country that I currently reside in. It's an interesting experience travelling outside of my hometown, for any reason--especially given the fact that my college is in the same city or region as my hometown. Things can get a bit dull sometimes.

Things get dull in that most of my friends live south of where I am, and every, single, break I am left alone in the grayness of my cold city, while I see everyone down there partying it up with margaritas and such. My depression has such a great time with it.

I am currently in the basement of my school's museum (I know, they got some sort of money, I guess) typing in a lonely corridor on top of a marker-and-paint-ridden canvas, with boxes of colored pencils and scissors around me. It was art night here--apparently it happens every night--and usually a bunch of parents show up with their little ones. This would explain the tattered canvases.

I watched that movie "Bird Box" last night that everyone on the internet is so hyped about. It was a good movie, however, I would warn all of those who haven't seen it yet or who are intending to see it that they take a good look inside themselves before they do.

The movie deals with suicide and death, and I know these topics can be a trigger for many people, including myself. I watched it, while my sibling was in the apartment with me--they didn't want to watch it, which is fair. I believe that the concept is very god, and of course, like all horror movies, there were a couple of loose ends that I wished had been tied up a little further.

But I am not going to talk about that movie, anymore on here. I think it's pretty triggering, so I am just giving all those whom I mentioned before the trigger warning that it deals with those topics, so watch at your own discretion.