So, despite the fact that I have been voluntarily caged inside of my brother's room this entire winter break, I think I want to make some changes.
I have recently been sprung with the epiphany that I want to be more honest with myself this year. not that I haven’t been particularly honest, but honest, in a different sense of the word. I mean that I want to do things for myself primarily, before serving the needs of others.
I got a taste of that by applying for, and enrolling in the college that I wanted to be in. But I found myself in some run-ins with my spiritual docket during the year.
This year was about making new relationships, building new bonds, and starting anew. Transforming in every sense of the word. But I do not feel like I was necessarily doing it for myself. A lot of the bad things I experienced were because Iw as serving the needs of others before I served myself. For instance, I’d find myself sitting through ridiculously long, meaningless conversations, taking the brunt end of criticism, being the awkwardest person at the table simply because I didn’t want to be along.
I will try harder to be alone.
My greatest fear is being alone. I may have inherited from my mother who happens to be the worst pokerface player in the universe (okay, so I hyperbolized the shit out of that one, but you haven’t met my mom), because she does not taking being along lightly at all, I won’t go into details on that, but just know that it is a huge deal for her.
I noticed this year that I clung for dear life to the growing wings of fellow friends and classmates, sometimes with undulating anxiety. I did it without consideration for their space, nor my own. I’d literally force myself into situations with people simply because I was afraid of being alone with my thoughts.
These past two semesters (Summer and Winter), with the exception of living in the dorms and the enormous size of my college, I noticed that I’d always be around people, whether they were beneficial to my spiritual presence or toxic. I never strayed. My days were literally filled with continuous meetings, random outings, nonstop social interaction with people of all sorts.
While this is a major change from the person I used to be—extremely socially anxious, feared human touch to the extent that she’d isolate herself from human contact by running to the nearest library or empty room at all times—I don’t think it was necessarily helpful for me to focus on my own talents. I realized that I stopped writing (you may have noticed that I made one post in 2015, one of the most eventful years of my life thus far); stopped singing; stopped playing my violin; and most importantly, I stopped reflecting!
Okay… most of what I just said is a lie. I did most of these things, just through other outlets. But what I mean is that I didn’t do nearly enough of it as I had been doing in years prior.
I will say that this year I became more expressive, and less afraid to show my vulnerable side. I cried when I wanted to, laughed when I needed to, and sang whenever the spirit moved me.
Vulnerability, exploring my vulnerable side, was really the theme of 2015. One way I showed vulnerability was by taking thousands of pictures of myself. Whether candid or posing; I took them. Remember when I used to cringe at my own reflection? Well, I don’t do much of that anymore. I kind of served myself mouthfuls of my own image, but in moderation, so that I could develop a tolerance for myself. That makes me sound like a toxic substance, but I know that I am not one. I instead became a soft, cuddly, artistic black skinned beauty with eyelashes that are insanely long, and a smile that brightens up all rooms.
I actually started complimenting myself.
I think this was because I had control in the photoshoots. Giving myself ultimate control really taught me to control my negative self-talk, and to accept the completely normal human being that I am.
I can’t say that I am completely cured of negativity, but I can definitely say that I have created milestones, and am probably closer to loving myself than ever have been.
I’ve said it once before, and I will say it again: I think I am falling in love with myself. And that’s a good thing.
With lotta love,
--E.
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