Freshman Chronicles: I Feel Good

Wow.

It's been a while since I have dusted off the old thinking gears and written something for myself in a while. This gesture has not been done out of the intention to offend, it's just that I've recently, barely, completed my first *official* semester of college.

Today I went back to my roots; I went to the library with my sibling. Though my card still has fines on it (I have a reckless past with libraries, I'm sorry, I can't help it), my sibling volunteered to get me some graphic novels. I grabbed quite a few.

I find it hilarious that I can pick out graphic novels faster than I can find food at the grocery store. I felt strange going back into the library. Nostalgia hit me hard, especially seeing all the books arranged the same way they had been since I left. I felt a ping in my stomach when I saw the flyers for volunteering opportunities and college scholarships. Just a year ago, I had been looking at that wall with stout determination and fear for my future. I also realized that pretty soon I won't be able to some of the things my teenaged self has been doing-- like being in the teen section of the library, or reaping the cool, free benefits of being too underaged to do anything. Sigh. Growing up is hard.

I felt so fulfilled at the library though. It really helped me gain back the confidence I needed. I was also feeling spiritually depleted; I notice that happens when I am not doing one of my famous artistic activities. This semester, I quenched my thirst by going down to the practice rooms in my unit, and plunking out jazz chords. Gosh, I've learned so much and it has helped so much. :)

Within the current stack of books I have next to me are the Saga series. I wasn't able to get the first volume because one of the librarians there is currently checking it out, but I do have Volume Two.

So far I think it is pretty entertaining. It doesn't go according to my graphic novel taste because it is a comic series, so it's got all the classic gags and storylines within storylines, but it's going more smoothly than I expected it to.

Something really nice happened when my sibling and I left the library. We bonded more than we usually do. I guess that my being absent has caused my family to miss me more than I thought it did.

We walked from the library back home, which is about a mile. It was around eight p.m., and the December air was stinging, and refreshing. We walked slowly, carrying groceries on our backs and library books in our hands. We're currently in that strange period between Christmas and New Years, so people's Christmas lights are still up.

I think it's cute. People's homes being wrapped up in sparkly fluorescent lights reminds me on decorations on cakes. I thought that the homes we walked by were so cute that I snapchatted some of them. But of course my phone camera is crappy quality, so the pictures just looked like sparkly dots in the middle of a jet black canvas, similar to stars and the universe.

My sibling laughed a lot at my so-not-funny jokes, and talked about their boyfriend. I, surprisingly, was not jealous hearing them fret over the cute memories they recalled as we walked by landmarks where they had walked before. I was really happy for them. I know that for so long my sibling has felt unloved by generally everyone they interact with, and for so long they have fended for themselves that they have developed a tough exterior (that only I can see through). It's nice to see them so happy and so vulnerable at the same time.

Right now it is almost four in the morning, and I am ironically listening to Janet Jackson's No Sleeep. It's cold, but comfy, snuggling weather.

I wish I was back at the dorm. There, I live with all black people, and let me tell you how much of a self-esteem booster it is to be there.

This semester was not my best academically, and I am afraid that I will not be able to pick up the pace. College is tough; and there were things that I could have controlled to prevent myself from being in the academically and financially dismal position that I am in right now. I hope that I can pull it together this semester because really like being in the school.

I think I also want to stop thinking so much about other people.

This semester I did too much of that, but in a different way than I did in high school. Back then, I thought so much about my family, but this time I think so much about friends, and mushy gushy things that I get distracted from thinking about my studies. Sure, I am young, and it's "normal" for me to screw up some things, and think this way, but I want to remain diligent. I am a strong believer in the mantra "if you don't use it, you lose it". So I will get back to that.

This year, 2015, in general was strange:

I graduated from high school (barely).
I got my braces off.
I got into a really good college (which is still hard to believe).
I came out to my friends in college. (I cried a lot for this one, and it felt great.)
I accepted my sexuality for what it was is.
I questioned my previous values, and chucked the old ones that weren't working.
I got have too many crushes on people.
I accepted my feelings as valid and human.
I managed my stress somewhat well this first semester.
I stopped cringing at the thought of meeting new people.
I performed in front of random people.
I accepted my shyness and awkwardness, and developed ways to work around it.
I made lots of new friends! According to facebook, it's exactly 237, but who's counting? :)
I started getting used to my face, so much to the extent that I have almost 4000 pictures of it in my laptop.
I had full conversations with people I wouldn't have caught myself dead speaking to in high school.
I opened a bank account.
I got a laptop!
I think I am falling in love with myself.

All of this stuff I have done on my own. So many milestones. A tremendous feat. Coming from my background, many do not expect it to happen. Of all the these things, I can say that I am proud of myself. I didn't mention that I also gained ten pounds (Freshman Fifteen is real, y'all), but I think I falling so much in love with myself that I could care if I weighed 900 pounds. I really mean this.

I am starting to accept some of the parts that are me--good, bad, and ugly--and live with them. My arms, legs, moles, acne, eyes, boogers, are all I've got. And hating every part of myself isn't going to make things better, so I am learning to accept them.

Like my roommate said, the journey self-love isn't easy, and there are those days when I don't feel it at all, but I am noticing that more of my days are filled with appreciation of myself rather than hatred, and, well, things brighten up that way. The change is that I adopt positive thinking, and do the things that make me most happy, like writing, and singing, and drawing, and listening to music. Accepting and giving compliments. Doing good deeds. Validating my feelings. Daring myself to do something. Being loud. Laughing. Living. And loving life. That's what I have been doing. And I think it is working. :)

I'm sorry that I have not written you in so long, but I think this post should pretty much explain how it has been these past few months. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I feel good and not feel weird about it. I'm gonna live on this high for as long as it lasts. :)

Song recommendation: Green & Gold by Lianne La Havas

Adieu,
E.

A bit late for this but this is awesome.

STEVE BREEN HAS JUST BEEN ADDED TO MY LIST OF AWESOME COMIC ARTISTS.

California be like...
Read the comic here http://www.gocomics.com/stevebreen/2014/12/11

Tips for a Stress-Free Senior Year

Hello Fellow High School Student!

Feeling just as overwhelmed in your studies as I am? Never fear, tips to having a stress-free year are here!


It's okay, we all get a little stressed sometimes. Just breathe, take ten minutes out of your day, and eat a Popsicle (because those help). ;)

Expert Advice for Nerds Who Want to Stay Stress Free This School Year

The Letter Challenge

Hello there, you may have guessed that I have not been on in a while. This will not be a permanent thing, but I will not be back soon, as I must complete Senior year of High school.

In the mean time, I want you, yes you, to accept this tumblr challenge I found.


The Letter Challenge


I'm doing it, you should too! Hey, I might even post one or two of 'em. Just keep in touch and talk to you later! 

To the Guy Who Doesn't See the Point of School: A Rant on School

The days have been semi-chaotic now that March is here.

Ah, March: the month of getting serious about grades, taking the SAT or ACT, taking SAT or ACT prep classes, and freaking out about school overall--

Wait, that last one is a daily occurrence for me. 

But alas, March is also the month of SPRING! And of Daylight Savings, a time which all student should hate since it technically means that we get one less hour of sleep, one less hour to do homework, and one less hour to chill out. But it also means that we have one less hour in school... but that means school would go more quickly, and when things happen quickly in school, they are usually more difficult. Either way you look at it, Daylight Savings is not a very fun time of the year. I miss those long winter nights of pure, uninterrupted sleep. 

Life during Junior Year isn't so bad... until you reach the second semester. If you're like me-- meaning that you plan to take the two major college tests, complete fifty community service hours, sign up for summer courses or activities, meanwhile having other commitments elsewhere that demand at least two days out of the week (and you've agreed to commit to at least of these things), all in one semester, then not only are you insane, but you're probably blowing your brains out as your eyes scan the text written on this page. All I can say to that is: you're not alone. It sucks, yeah. A lot. Like, more than a lot... It sucks more than a ton. 

But you know what sucks more? Chemistry. Before you nerds out there stone me, hear me out: Chemistry is a sucky subject to learn, especially if you practically self-teach yourself. I say this, not only because I am failing chemistry in school, but because I believe there's no point in learning the broad ranges of chemistry like net ionic equation or what Vaan Der Whals forces are if the information will only be useful to you for one week and not learning how this actually applies to your life... although, you could figure out how these things apply to your life by yourself, but doing so is quite tedious and impossible if you're juggling fifty-million other thoughts at once. 

I know I sound a bratty teenager saying this stuff, but it's true! When else will I ever going to need to know how to mass-mass or mass-mole equations besides this semester's finals? Surely not during a dentist appointment, or to get my driver's license. It makes no sense to learn these things without learning the significance of learning them, is what I'm saying. I'm not being close-minded, but honestly, our society has no room for each person to be a science nerd, math geek, musician, gymnast, literary analysis expert, historian, superhuman! If all of us were this, we wouldn't function very well, would we?

But perhaps I am missing the point. Perhaps it isn't that we're put into school to become these crazy, superhuman, mutants. Perhaps the point of being in a school and being forced to take various classes is so that we become well rounded people, and learn how to deal with different things in life. It could even be to expand our options within the world. Not everyone sticks with one thing forever because their interests change. Perhaps it's better that we get this kind of education, because well, we are not robots. We can't be told to do one thing, and just keep at that forever. No human works well that way.

So, in the end, I guess school is somewhat beneficial for us all. Even though not everyone can be interested in the same things, it really helps us focus on what we do like doing, and learn more about ourselves in the process-- in other words, we can be taught in reverse by school. And I know there are probably other, even better, ways to go about learning about the world and how it works, out there, but school is the only one I know of. The point of being in school does not always have to be about learning fundamental subjects, but learning how to dictate your life in a way that helps you be a better person. So thank you chemistry, for helping me learn that I absolutely do not want to become a chemist. :) 

Adieu,

SpatualaBurgers

Recycled Blogpost Fun!

Hey guys! It's been so long since I've last written to you. Well, I don't have much to say now. I have been working on an essay for the last day and I want to get back to that. But I do not want to leave you hanging. Here's a blog post I submitted for another website a little while ago. It's really good!

Reflective Rambling

I wrote my first "story" in kindergarten. I can't remember what exactly it was about (I think it might have been related to Pokemon) but what I remember is that it included a "gril" (I had spelled girl wrong) and a boy running from something. Then I remember when I was in the third grade, when my sentences and thoughts became a little more complex. That was the time when I really fell in love with writing. I was always eager-- yet extremely embarrassed-- to share my writing with the class, and for the most part, people really liked it. Then, in the sixth grade, I shared some more of my writing, and people still liked it.

Writing has always been a very significant part of my life, and up until recently, it's been my dream to be a writer. I've have recently been faced with reality. Last year, I was in what you can call an "advanced writing class" at my school. It's a class for the sadistic freaks who like doing extra work and like to deprive themselves of sleep to perfect a two-paragraph essay (it's happened before, and that class wasn't even weighted). I scored very, very low in that class and I'll tell you why. All my life, I've been told by everyone around me that I'm really smart and that I write very well. I was almost skipped up a grade twice! But of course all that praise got to my head. I started to actually believe that I was smarter than everyone else and this happened because it was the only thing I knew. So I started getting lazy.  I figured that since I was already a genius, what would be the point of trying to learn more?  However, it felt like when I was in that writing class everything I had ever been told was a lie. I realized that there were people in the world who actually knew more than I knew and did way more thinking than I did. It was an epiphany. But still, I was lazy and thought that since I wrote everyday, my writing was already perfect and not have any flaws. I was so wrong about that, and was thus devastated by the scoring I'd received on many of my essays. I cried almost every single day last year because of it.

However, because I realized that I really needed to work on my writing, I never gave up. I'm one of those people who gets stabbed so many times in battle fights but does not back down until their very last limb gives out. I corrected my papers, asked other people to help me, harassed all of my teachers-- including the ones who taught math and science--and never stopped asking questions. I won't say that I got perfect scores on my essays because after that because I didn't and they still sucked, but I will say that I have grown from the process. If you were to see my writing from the beginning of Sophomore year to now,  you would clearly notice that so much has changed since the beginning of last year. And even now I still have some things to work -- run on sentences, incorrect or excessive use of semi-colons hyphens, rambling, starting sentences with conjunctions, etc...-- but no one is perfect. Seriously, no one is. Not even the president or the best selling writers are perfect; they've got issues too. But realizing their mistakes is what makes them better people and that is mostly what life is about-- realizing your mistakes and fixing them. If I did not stopped being so arrogant and realize that I was wrong, I would never have known the things that I know today. I never would have made friends with the people I know today, and I never, ever, ever would have been the person I am right now.

I am still sixteen, and I know I have a lot more to learn because what I am experiencing now is just the beginning. But realizing that there's so much more to life than being better than everyone else just feels... good. I am now realizing that it pays to have an open mind and perhaps through my experience, you will too.

Until next time folks,
Adieu.

Want to Know How to Survive High School? Look at this!

Hey guys! I hope the school year has been going well for you all! For me... well, you know the routine. :D

However, I haven't given up hope! In fact, I've come up with a neat list to help myself get through the year, and I want to share it with you all!


I hope that this advice I give will help you as it is currently helping me. Although I only came up with it last week, I think it's a great list that every person in high school should follow!

10 Tips to Your Survival in High School:

1.) Prioritize

I'm not sure if you're an unorganized person or not, but this step really helps. What you need to do is find out which things are a priority and which things are not quite as important. What's due tomorrow? What's due the rest of the week? What's due in the upcoming weeks?  You want to start with the thing that has the most immediacy, meaning the thing that's due tomorrow, and is worth a whole bunch of points. Start out with that, then work your way down to what's not as important. By doing this, you save yourself a whole lot of stress than by trying to start everything all at once.

2.) Set Yourself Up For Success.

This one might relate the most to you. If you care so much about your future, then why aren't you doing anything that will help you get to where you want in life? Sitting around may feel great, at the moment, but what about that awful feeling of embarrassment and shame you get when you realize that you've missed a whole bunch of assignments, and you procrastinated so much while everyone else is turning in their assignments? It does not feel good to be left out like that. Don't lie to yourself, you will NOT be able to finish it later, because something really important might come up and then you really wouldn't be able to finish your work. Don't let it get to that point. Do the work the instant you get home, or even do it at lunch if you can (this is my new tactic and it's been working well so far) so that you won't have to worry about it when you get home. It feels better when you know that you've completed your work than knowing that you've got tons of work left.

3.) Get a Good Work Space.

This is vital if you want to be successful. If you're in an environment where you know you can't work well, don't shrug it off and blame the environment for your problems-- MOVE! Go somewhere that you know you'll be able to work without any distractions, like the library. When my therapist suggested that I go to the library to do my work, I cringed. Not because I don't like going to the library, but because I felt like it was just a terrible idea. I didn't even consider it until I actually tried it, and guess what? It worked. I was able to focus on my homework and not the internet or the television and I actually felt good that I had gotten my work done. I got into a place that would make it hard for me to procrastinate, and I suggest that you do the same.

4.) Don't freak out.

This was a big one for me. I always got anxious about not completing my work and worrying about my future and about how I wouldn't accomplish my goals, and yada yada. Realize that it's going to be okay, and it isn't the end of the world -- or rather your world-- if you don't complete one homework assignment. If you're worrying all the time, you won't have any time to get your homework done and if you're pushing it off to the side all the time (which can be another form of anxiety), you still won't have the time to do what you're supposed to be doing. Find the right level of motivation, and stick with that. 

5.) Be realistic and/or strategic. 

This step ties in with Step 2. You need to realize that not everyone is perfect; not everyone makes straight As or makes it to valedictorian of their class. This is perfectly fine. You, however, need to do what's best for you. If you know you aren't going to finish editing that entire essay by midnight, then don't push yourself and see if you can go beyond your limit. You have to set up a common goal, and not try to be perfect all the time.

6.) Don't Beat Yourself Up.

Again, nobody is perfect. If you didn't get the score you wanted to get or that you worked really hard to get a perfect grade on but you missed a few questions, it's perfectly fine (in this case, you can be perfect). There's always going to be another day to work on a new assignment. My teacher says that he doesn't do "right now's" but he does "next times". This means that you're always going to have another chance. One measly essay or test does not determine your fate. Just learn from your mistakes and move on. But just because you get another chance, does  not mean that you should take advantage of it.  Don't let your procrastination tie into what you're trying to accomplish, and don't turn it into an excuse. You've still got deadlines to follow.

7.) Reach Out.

You didn't think you could do all of this by yourself, did you? It's important to ask for help, no matter how much of the information you think is tedious and dull. If you're not understanding the content, why let yourself suffer? Use you worrying time to ask the teacher questions. Invest in a tutor, grab a study buddy. Do anything that will help you not suffer this stuff alone. Most importantly, get someone who can hold you accountable for your work. For instance, if you were to get a study buddy, that buddy could call you up and make sure that you're doing you're assignments because you both will be responsible for making sure that the other is doing their work. That way, you won't be able to give up so easily or procrastinate as easily. Since this is your last year, you really want to make sure that you're getting help from someone else, not just because of the work, but to make sure you are doing what you're supposed to be doing (parents are not very helpful with this step. It'll just feel like they're nagging you).

8.) KNOW AND HONOR YOUR LIMITS!

I love this one. This is my favorite step of them all and it ties in with step 4. Sometimes a person can be so caught up with trying to make something perfect that they forget that they have an actual life besides school. If you cannot make stay up any longer or if the clock's saying it's almost three am, you know there's a problem. Sometimes you just have to let things be. If they don't work out, of course you'll feel bad, but sometimes that's just the way things work. Sometimes you have to throw in the towel. This is cliche, but, Life really isn't a race. If it was, who would you be racing against and what for? There's no point in trying to beat someone at your own game, you know? If you need to stop, then stop. Don't keep going if you know you'll collapse at the finish line. How can life be good for you if you're too tired or stressed out to enjoy it? Be happy with what you have, and recognize that you are trying your best, and that should be just enough.

9.) Always Try Your BEST. Period. 

This one kind of explains itself, but I will elaborate on it. It's not the kid who gets straight As and answers all the questions correctly that gets noticed. The person who tries their hardest, and keeps pushing but recognizes where they need to stop is the person who's more praised. When a person recognizes their own limits and shows their dedication to something, that is so much more meaningful than being the one who's always right. It's the person who knows that they have faults and tries to fix them that's good. It makes that person so much more real than the guy who just gets everything right. And frick the people who think they're better than everyone else because they get the best grades. Newsflash, college is almost nothing like high school. In fact, it's ten times harder, so just because everything is working for them now doesn't mean it'll be like that after high school. You do a lot more learning and knowing yourself when you realize a fault and you fix it. It makes you much more real of a person, and people will admire that.

10.) GET YOUR BUTT IN THE CHAIR! 

This should have been listed as number one because it's really the most important one of them all. How are you going to follow any of these steps or get what you want in life if you don't put in the work for it? Get yourself in the CHAIR! Not the computer chair, the restaurant chair, the roller coaster chair--- THE STUDY CHAIR. Yeah, it sounds so dull and mundane, but if you're expecting the car to work, you need to put in the keys, you know? Sit down and don't wait until the last minute.